Raccoon for Life

My name is Alexander McFluffyface. I'm a cat on the edge who doesn't like to be messed with. I was driven to a gang of coons called the Rowdy Raccoons because of the shame my name has brought me. The Rowdy Raccoons were a vicious gang who didn't accept anyone but other raccoons. I could easily bypass this because I was a master of disguise. Once in, I started doing jobs to get a little moo-lah. My first job had me working with two coons named George and Lennie. They were almost like complete opposites. George was a small and conniving raccoon while Lennie was  a big, blunt, and stupid raccoon. Me and George clashed a bit, but we were on equal terms when it came to dealing with Lennie. After getting to know eachother it was time to begin our job. We were tasked with stealing the Diamond Plot Device while fighting off ninjas. Now, I know the Rowdy Raccoons were pretty bad dudes, but man they are some crazy pheasant pluckers. Breaking into the Museum that housed the diamond was kitten's play. All three of us gathered around. "Here I come!" a voice ejaculated from behind us. Dismissing the hilarious sexual innuendo, we proceed to make a 180 and beat the tar out of the lone ninja. With him unconscious, we quickly nabbed the diamond and hauled tail out of there back to the base. Little did I know this was only the first of many job.

Save a Horse...

I remember old Sassy Sorbet like he was with us just the other day. Come to think of it, he was with me just the other day. In fact, it began like any other day. I began down the rugged mountain trail down to the stables. Now I had been taking care of a couple of horses for awhile. I took in wild horses from around the area who were injured or abused by their horse families and cared for them until they were able to the wild. However there was one horse that stayed. Sassy Sorbet, or just Sorbet for short, was a loving horse who also did this weird scratching thing against the wooden fence were he rubbed his butt against it. Now Sorbet loved all the horses and showed care and compassion towards the poor things. However his kindness is what killed him. One stormy night, while I was watching Wheel of Fortune, I heard a loud crack outside. I rushed out the door to see that the whole barn had gone up in flames. I rushed down towards the stables and threw open the doors. The horses all did some ridiculous stumble thing that would have been hilarious if not used in this context. All but one horses escaped, Strong-Legged Lenny. Now I have to explain that Strong-Legged Lenny was inaptly named because his two back legs were crippled. I planned on saving as many horses as possible, but Sorbet was gonna save them all. He dashed in there and slowly backed up to Lenny. I was curious about how a horse planned to  save another horse without the advantage of opposable thumbs. However he proved me wrong. He used the only skill he had. Sorbet put his butt against Lenny and rolled him all the way to the front doors. I thought  he was going to actually pull it off then *BAM* hit by flaming debris. That barn hadn't passed a safety regulation test since 1984 and I didn't like Lenny that much so I hightailed it out of there. Good thing I did too, because as soon as I got ten feet away the building collapsed. After the initial shock of the escaping the immediate danger, I was hit with feelings of guilt. Sorbet was never coming back. I called the fire department and sullenly walked back to my house and sat back in my recliner. The worst part was Wheel of Fortune was over. So I just changed the channel to find Border Wars, which wasn't that exciting.

Pa's Fishin' Spot

Surrounded by the lush greenery, Pa and I just sat there on the bank of the dirty brown colored pond. The sparse foliage provided slight shade as we sat there trying to reel in a fish. I started to worry about my hair frizzing up in the intense heat of the summer day. "Pa, why can't I fish?" I queried. He replied, "Because Missy, you're a woman. After I catch this we're gonna head back to the house so your Ma can show you how to make a mean sammich out of it." I pondered this for a bit, but then I got distracted by the clouds above. In the deep blue sky they looked like ordinary objects out-of-place in the lofty abyss. Mops, sponges, and one sort of looked like a whisk. The list goes on and on, kind of like a grocery list. I started to wonder if this summer day was meant just for me. "I got a fighter on the line! Missy, grab the net!" I did as I was told and rushed over to the tackle box and fished out a small retractable net. As Pa yanked the fish out of the water, I quickly positioned the net under the fish and caught it. Pa and I shared a quick cliché father-daughter embrace. With all the excitement going on we didn't even notice the sky had turned a deep maroon-red color. We both packed up and headed home. Back to my safe haven, the kitchen.

I learned a lot that summer day. I'll never forget that day on the river bank, where I learned my true place in the world.